Sometimes when you walk into Pho An, You see a small white family sitting in the middle.

Its not weird or anything. It feels a bit normal.

But then the other way around feels weird. Being the only asian family, makes you feel that all the grumpy white bastards are muttering under their schooners

"damm asian family"

And all the old ladies are "subtly" scanning us, so they can whisper to their wrinkled old friends whats wrong with us.

Grrr...

Anyway - Chinese New year is a big thing for me. Not big as in - i count the days down, or i go on and on about it three months beforehand - but i don't really have any other days to talk about, so this day becomes, naturally the biggest one.

Everyone has a dinner for Chinese New Year. But for me, i feel completely wrong if i don't have it at home. Its like Christmas. What white family in their right mind would eat out. Its basically the only time of the year (chinese new year) where all asian families can say "come over to my house, no excuse".

That means all daughters and sons have to come, and stay home. All relatives - no matter what grudge and all grandpas and grandmas - no matter how crippled.

Its weird, but chinese new year is my christmas. Theres trees, presents, and lots of food. But perhaps most importantly, even if you completely dispise your family - theres only certain days you forgive them for being alive, and even though i spent 6 hours in the kitchen making food - theres no other place you'd rather be.

And maybe this is the reason why i never feel at home anywhere else. Because its nothing like home. Even if i can't stand it - it always will be.

I didn't pray for anything this year. Nothing. Not even to be happy, not even for others to be happy - i didn't ask for anything to happen, or anything not to happen, contary to the usual - which i usually do ask, one way or another. Sometimes i pray that no i care about will get hurt, Sometimes i pray to find myself.

Yesterday - i just prayed. For nothing or noone, but then in way, i did pray for what i want. I hoped that by praying for nothing - that my life would be just like that: Blank and empty